Disrupting the Default: What Queer Parenthood Can Teach Us About Reimagining Family Norms

“Is this really the best thing for the kid?”

I ask myself this a dozen times a day. And more often than not, the answer is: just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s right.

As queer parents, Stephen and I didn’t stumble into parenthood-we fought for it. We planned for it. We built our family with the kind of intentionality that challenges the default at every turn.

And that’s exactly why I believe queer parenthood holds the key to reimagining the way we raise children-not just in LGBTQ+ households, but across the board.

Because when society doesn’t hand you a “normal,” you get to write your own script. You ask better questions. And you’re more willing to admit that a lot of the systems we treat as sacred are, at best, outdated-and at worst, harmful.

So this is the start of something I’ve been wanting to say for a long time.

Let’s talk about parenting norms-and why it’s time to break them wide open.

The Status Quo Wasn’t Built for Us-And That’s Our Superpower

Growing up queer often means growing up outside the circle of protection. Many of us were forced to emotionally self-parent before we even understood what that meant. And when we finally stepped into adulthood, we had to learn to build relationships, careers, and communities with tools we forged ourselves.

So when Stephen and I became dads, we already had this deeply ingrained muscle: question everything.

We don’t assume that screen time is harmless just because “everyone does it.”

We don’t assume that daycare or school is the right path just because it’s “normal.”

We don’t assume that sleep training, time-outs, or “tough love” are necessary tools just because a generation before us swore by them.

We don’t get the luxury of default.

And honestly? That’s been a gift.

What If “Normal” Isn’t Safe?

The truth is, a lot of what we accept as “normal” in parenting comes from cultural convenience, not child development.

We know from decades of neuroscience that the early years of a child’s life are critical for emotional security, brain development, and identity formation. We also know that kids are incredibly sensitive to the emotional climate around them—they don’t just absorb language, they absorb energy, intention, and safety.

And yet…

So many of our parenting choices are still rooted in adult-centered comfort.

We keep kids on schedules that work best for our work hours.

We rely on screen time because it buys us quiet.

We push them into social situations that feel chaotic or overstimulating—because we fear they won’t be “socialized” enough.

We prioritize obedience over emotional intelligence.

We do these things because they’re common. But common doesn’t mean conscious.

And common doesn’t mean it’s working.

Just look around: post-pandemic, we’re seeing skyrocketing anxiety in children, attention dysregulation, and a generation of kids who feel unseen, unheard, and deeply unsure of their place in the world.

This isn’t just a mental health crisis. It’s a parenting crisis.

It’s a cultural crisis.

Parenting Isn’t a Performance - It’s a Relationship

When you’re in the queer community, you often have to build your family from scratch—not just your partner, but your entire village. That means you think long and hard about who you let in. You notice the energy people bring. You don’t assume that someone gets a seat at the table just because they share your last name.

So why do we treat parenting as if it’s something we perform for others?

Why do we feel like we have to prove that our kids are “well-adjusted” by rushing them into classrooms or playgroups before they’re ready?

Why do we fear being judged for homeschooling or doing things differently?

Why do we continue to outsource childhood to the same systems that didn’t protect us?

I ask these questions not because I have all the answers, but because I think they matter more than ever.

What if the real work of parenting isn’t about shaping children into “successful” adults… but about creating a safe, loving environment that allows them to become fully themselves?

What if the family is less about fitting in—and more about belonging?

Queering the Parenting Paradigm

There’s something beautiful and radical about raising a child outside of the systems that once excluded you.

It gives you permission to pause.

To question.

To opt out.

To create something better.

And that’s what we’re trying to do in our home—not perfectly, but intentionally.

We think carefully about how we speak to our child.

We prioritize connection over correction.

We spend a lot of time with him, not just managing him.

We make parenting choices based on what’s best for his brain, his heart, and his sense of self—not what’s easiest for the grownups.

Sometimes that means breaking with tradition.

Sometimes that means feeling like outsiders again.

But we’ve done that before. We know how to hold that tension with pride.

But What About the World?

The scariest part of parenting for me isn’t the sleepless nights or the tantrums.

It’s putting my child into a world that hasn’t earned his trust.

And yes, part of that is my trauma talking. I know that.

But part of it is reality.

We are raising children in a world that’s still not safe for many of us—queer folks, trans folks, BIPOC, neurodiverse families. We are watching systems fail our kids every day. And still, we are told to trust them.

Still, we are told to follow the rules.

Still, we are told this is “just how it is.”

I don’t buy that.

And I won’t pass that along to my child.

If that makes us unconventional, so be it.

If that makes us radical, so be it.

If that makes us a little weird, perfect.

Parenting with Intention Is an Act of Resistance

We may not be homeschooling (yet).

We may not have all the answers (who does?).

But what we do have is a deep desire to raise our child with clarity, compassion, and courage.

To say: you are safe. You are seen. You are loved.

And to model a life that proves you don’t have to accept the default just because it’s there.

So if you’ve ever felt like parenting doesn’t have to look the way it’s always looked—

If you’ve ever felt the nudge to do things differently, more slowly, more consciously—

If you’ve ever looked around and thought, there has to be a better way—

You’re not alone.

You’re not crazy.

And you’re not wrong.

You might just be a parenting pioneer.

Thanks for being here in this space where we can think out loud, dream together, and raise our families with a little more intention and a lot more heart.

We’re just getting started.

With love (and probably a half-full LaCroix on the counter),

Bret

If this piece resonated with you, share it with someone who’s questioning the “norm.” Leave a comment—what parenting default are you rethinking right now?